Our California law firm knows the rising rate of divorce among couples over 50 years old has generated a great deal of discussion and concern. While there are demographic factors that can explain the rising number of “gray” divorces, the fact that older couples are divorcing more has a number of implications for all of us. Joan Fradella, a Florida Supreme Court Certified Family Mediator with Divorce thru Mediation, Inc., makes this observation:

“Late life divorce, or gray divorce, can be scary for different reasons than younger divorces. You know that you have given it your best effort, but it may feel more difficult to start over as a newly single person…. The biggest concern is that you now have to split assets that you together worked a lifetime to build. Both parties may have a deep emotional attachment to the marital home because you raised your children there, but it may have to be sold so that you can each afford a suitable home.”

Ms. Fradella adds, “You have to figure out a way to be together at your children’s weddings, and a way to be grandparents together. You cannot expect your children to figure that out for you…. Sometimes, long buried resentments may surface, but it is better to work through that the best you can, be civil to each other, and mediate an amicable divorce, thereby preserving your assets. You still have a lot of living to do, although without each other. Change never feels easy, especially in later years. It is important to remember that many of the changes we have already gone through in life have turned out for the better in the long run.”

If you are divorcing and retiring more or less simultaneously in southern California, there’s no way around it. You’re going to need the insights and services of a good divorce lawyer. Speak first with an experienced Long Beach divorce attorney who will explain your options, guide you through the divorce process, and advocate on behalf of your long-term interests. The following recommendations may also help:

1. If you lose half of your retirement savings, some of your retirement goals may be out of reach. Determine what is important and plan a way to finance it.
2. Settling the divorce out-of-court lets you control the settlement – rather than the state.
3. Learn about Social Security. You may be able to receive Social Security benefits based on your ex-spouse’s employment. This is a smart option for many divorcing spouses.
4. Older couples may want to consider legal separation. It costs far less than divorce, and it is usually less stressful and acrimonious, too.

A divorce after fifty can present a variety of challenges, but if you are over fifty and divorcing, you can’t let your healthcare coverage become a problem. Once you know that your marriage will be dissolved, take action to keep your current coverage and look to replace it. If you are worried that the spouse you are divorcing may cancel your employer-provided insurance or fail to continue making payments, tell your attorney, and together you can take steps to retain your coverage.

AFTER A DIVORCE, HOW CAN YOU RETAIN HEALTHCARE COVERAGE?

If you will require private healthcare insurance after the divorce is final, begin the process at once. Take your time to learn and consider the available policy options. The least expensive health insurance is employer-provided, so if you are covered through your job, you are probably in good shape. If your coverage is through your spouse’s employer-provided insurance, you may be entitled to coverage under COBRA, the Consolidated Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act, explained below. If neither spouse has healthcare coverage through a job, that puts you back to square one, seeking private individual coverage. Individual plans include:

• preferred provider plans (PPOs)
• HMO plans
• less expensive plans with limited hospital and physician access
• plans with no deductibles, no co-pays, and no waiting periods
• umbrella plans that include dental, vision, and prescriptions
• catastrophic plans
• mini-med plans (these offer limited coverage to persons with preexisting conditions)

An individual health insurance plan can be purchased through an insurance company website, an insurance agent, or a purchasing group such as a professional or trade association, a credit union, or an organization like the AARP (American Association of Retired Persons). Even before you search for health insurance in earnest, speak with several agents to learn some options and get some ideas to help you search. Below, some key insurance terms are defined to help you make the best choice:

• Deductible: the amount you must pay before insurance starts reimbursing you.
• Co-pay: the percentage of the split between the policy holder and the insurance company. For example, under some plans, the insurer might pay 75 percent with the policyholder paying 25 percent.
• Covered expense: an expense totally or partially reimbursed by the insurance company. Some policies pay only for a “reasonable and customary charge,” so if the actual amount is higher, the policyholder may have to pay the difference.

Generally, private insurance cannot arbitrarily be cancelled, but it may be legitimately cancelled for any failure to pay the premiums or for any failure to disclose pertinent information about your health or your medical history. It is best to seek non-cancellable, guaranteed renewable healthcare coverage. If you can’t find or afford it, then seek a “conditionally renewable” policy so that you can’t be singled out for cancellation. If a private, individual plan is not right for you, consider the alternatives listed here:

HEALTH SAVINGS ACCOUNTS

With a health savings account that you can open through your bank or through an insurance company, you can make tax-deductible contributions (deposits) up to $3,000 a year (and more if you are over age 55). Your deposited funds may then be used for qualifying medical expenses at any time. However, to be eligible to open a health savings account, you must have a health insurance policy with a high deductible.

COBRA COVERAGE

The Consolidated Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act (COBRA) is a set of laws that apply if you have healthcare coverage through your spouse’s employer. COBRA offers “qualified beneficiaries” up to 36 months of continuing health insurance coverage after a divorce. COBRA applies to companies with twenty or more employees, unions, and state and local governments. COBRA does not cover federal employees, but they typically enjoy similar benefits. Spouses of military personnel may obtain essentially the same benefits under Tricare.

Your spouse’s employer’s human relations department will know who your COBRA plan administrator is. Contact the plan administrator within 60 days after the divorce is final about your need to have continuing COBRA coverage. You will receive a notice with directions and a deadline for choosing coverage. The first premium is due within 45 days after you select a plan. COBRA coverage ends three years after the date that the divorce becomes final, or:

• if premiums are delinquent
• if the employer stops offering coverage or goes out of business
• if you obtain equivalent group coverage
• if you become eligible for Medicare

HIPAA AND OTHER OPTIONS

In some circumstances, the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act of 1996 (HIPAA) lets you purchase individual or group health insurance with no exclusion for a preexisting medical condition. State insurance risk pools offer help to individuals who can afford private health insurance coverage but who have been rejected for private coverage due to a preexisting condition. Medicare is the federal government’s health insurance program for those age 65 and over. Details about Medicare may be obtained from the Social Security Administration.

No divorce is ever easy, but gray divorces do tend to be less acrimonious. Illinois attorney Joshua E. Stern says, “When people get divorced later in life, particularly after a long marriage, I’ve noticed that the parties tend to stick to their private agreements. It’s not uncommon for one spouse to make sacrifices during the marriage, whether to assume more domestic work or to stay in a demanding job to support the family.”

Stern adds, “The spouse who gives up his or her career expects to be financially supported later in life. The spouse who works a demanding job may expect his or her spouse to return to work at some point and assume more of the financial responsibility. When a divorce happens later in life, the parties have operated under their private agreement for some time. They are far more likely to inform their lawyers and the court what their agreement was and what they believe a fair settlement is. I’ve found far less wrangling over spousal support and property division when people are divorced later in life.”

Anita A. Chlipala, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the founder of Relationship Reality 312 cautions that “Disconnection is the culprit for divorce, especially later in life. This shows a failure of the friendship and intimacy in the marriage. Couples need to work on their connection, but they may have focused on the kids, taken their spouse and love for granted, thought marriage shouldn’t take work, etc.”

Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, MS, LCPC, and Certified Imago Therapist with the Marriage Restoration Project notes that “While there are certain events that can push a marriage over the edge, many couples are successfully able to weather a lousy marriage for a long time.” However, for many today, “weathering a lousy marriage” is no way to live. If you are divorcing in southern California and you are 50 years old or older, an experienced Long Beach divorce attorney can address your concerns regarding retirement and healthcare, help you understand your options, and refer you to the experts and agencies that can provide more of the answers you may need.

In the state of California, our divorce lawyers know that spouses who choose to part ways may or may not know that they have three legal options: divorce, dissolution, and legal separation. Divorce and annulment are the two legal procedures that end a marriage, and there are two different types of annulments. A civil dissolution is granted by a state government after a legal annulment proceeding, and a religious annulment is granted by a church. Both types of annulment dissolve a marriage, but unlike a divorce, an annulment is “retroactive” – in other words, it treats the marriage as if it had never happened.

The information offered here concerns civil annulment in the state of California, and it’s a general introduction. If someone needs to have his or her own marriage annulled in southern California, it is best to discuss the specifics of the situation with an experienced Long Beach family law attorney. What an annulment is, and what it means legally, is something that is frequently misunderstood.

Unlike a divorce, you can’t simply walk into a court and ask for an annulment. Annulments are rare in this state and are only granted by the courts for a specific reason. The judge presiding over an annulment may also resolve the issues of spousal support and property division as well as the matters of child custody and child support if there are children in the marriage. The specific reasons why an annulment may be granted in California include:

• Bigamy: One spouse was legally married to another person at the time of the marriage.
• Incest: The marriage was illegal because the spouses are too closely related by blood.
• Fraud or deception: One spouse concealed something essential to a marriage, like an inability to have children.
• Force: One of the parties was bullied, intimidated, blackmailed, or otherwise forced into the marriage.
• No physical consummation: One spouse is physically unable to consummate the marriage, and the other did not know it when they married.
• Age: One or both spouses were too young to consent to marriage at the time of the marriage.
• An unsound mind: One or both spouses were impaired by alcohol or drugs at the time of the marriage or otherwise did not have the mental capacity to understand what was actually happening at the time of the marriage.

The requirements for an annulment are precise. If none of these factors apply, it is unlikely that a California judge will grant an annulment, and the alternative is divorce or legal separation. The legal distinction between divorce and annulment is that a divorce ends an existing, actual marriage, while an annulment declares that no marriage in fact actually took place. Thus, under California law, an annulled marriage is a marriage that never even happened.

WHAT HAPPENS TO PROPERTY AND CHILDREN IN AN ANNULMENT?

Most of the marriages annulled in the state of California are marriages of a very short length – usually only a few weeks or months – so there are seldom assets or debts to divide or children to deal with. When a lengthier marriage is annulled, if the spouses can agree on child custody, child support, and the division of marital property, an annulment can be granted in far less time than a typical California divorce. If agreements cannot be reached, however, the court conducting a dissolution procedure may issue the same types of orders that a court hands down in a divorce proceeding, including but not limited to:

• setting the terms of child support payments
• setting the terms for child custody and visitation
• division of marital properties and debts
• determination of separate property claims

California divorces and California annulments accomplish most of the same goals. Both procedures dissolve marriages and separate couples from the legal obligations of a marriage license. Candidly speaking, however, a dissolution will usually cost less and will be less emotionally burdensome than a divorce. The grounds for an annulment can also determine the timing requirements for an annulment filing in this state.

IS THERE A STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS FOR AN ANNULMENT IN CALIFORNIA?

California law establishes a statute of limitations for each of the grounds for an annulment. An annulment request because one spouse was too young to marry, for example, must be filed within four years of that spouse’s 18th birthday. When a statute of limitations has expired, a dissolution probably will not be granted, and the spouses will need to consider a legal separation or a divorce.

The same court forms are used by California courts for legal separations and annulments as well as for divorces. A dissolution petition’s legal paperwork usually includes a petition, a summons, a statement of the grounds for the annulment request, and an explanation of why the court should approve the request. If the spouses have children together – no surprise here – more legal paperwork will be required.

The non-filing spouse must be served a copy of the complete, filed paperwork by personal delivery (from an adult who is not a party to the case) or by mail that requires the non-filing spouse’s signature upon receipt. In southern California, anyone seeking a dissolution should have an experienced Long Beach family law attorney handle the filing and the accompanying legal paperwork, because any mistakes could delay the annulment or conceivably even cause the request to be denied.

WHAT HAPPENS DURING AND AFTER AN ANNULMENT HEARING?

A dissolution in this state usually requires the spouses to meet with a judge. The hearing must be scheduled at least thirty days after the non-filing spouse has been served dissolution papers. Within that thirty-day window, the non-filing spouse can file a response. After the annulment hearing, a judge may deny the dissolution request or may approve the annulment and issue court orders regarding spousal support, child custody, support, and visitation, and the division of marital property and debts.

Some couples would like to avoid a divorce, so annulment is the choice for many, and for a variety of reasons. Some people want a marriage annulled because of religious disapproval of divorce. Others may have a financial reason linked to taxes or benefits. A California family law attorney can explain how the law applies to any particular marriage in this state and determine whether or not that marriage may meet the state’s requirements for an annulment.

Sadly, contention and acrimony are too frequently a part of many divorce proceedings. Particularly when multiple issues are in dispute and/or when children are involved, nothing good can come from an emotionally-charged, hostile courtroom divorce. For many divorcing couples in Southern California, the disputed matters in a divorce can be dealt with more appropriately through an alternative divorce process, away from the courtroom.

Divorce mediation, where divorcing spouses work with a neutral divorce mediator to resolve the issues in dispute, is the right option for many couples, especially when you take into account the emotional and financial costs of a contested, courtroom-focused divorce. Even if one or both of the spouses is reticent regarding mediation, both partners should learn more about the option before rejecting it.

Well-known Beverly Hills psychiatrist and expert witness Carole Lieberman, M.D., M.P.H., has over twenty years of experience in divorce and child custody cases and other civil and criminal cases. She says, “Divorce mediation can make the process less painful and less expensive if both partners really want to do what’s best for the family and are willing to be open-minded and cooperative. But when one or both spouses are hurt and angry, they usually want to control or take revenge on the other, which makes mediation an exercise in futility. So, you need to ask yourself what is more important: making an awful process a little less painful through mediation or inflicting pain on your spouse by dragging them through the courts.”

Dr. Lieberman adds that, “On the other hand, some spouses make mediation impossible by being so demanding and irrational that it takes an imposing judge to give them a reality check.” In southern California, an experienced Long Beach divorce attorney can help spouses determine if mediation is their best option. Divorce mediation is most likely to be successful when most or all of these ten conditions apply:

1. When the Divorce Is a Joint Decision

When both partners decide, more or less at the same time, that a marriage is over, and a divorce is in their mutual best interests, mediation may be the most appropriate path to divorce. When the divorce decision is a joint decision, it’s easier to move quickly toward a mediated settlement. When only one partner decides on divorce, it’s no surprise that the other spouse may resist moving ahead with the process.

2. When Reconciliation Is Not an Option

When two divorcing partners soberly accept the reality of being permanently divorced, and when neither partner has any desire for a reconciliation of the marriage, the couple has probably arrived at a point where mediation can be constructive. Partners in a mediated divorce need to focus clearly on their futures and need to deal with the business at hand. Mediation is not about blame, recrimination, or the past. It’s about the future.

3. When You Want To Remain On Good Terms

The desire to remain on good terms with one another isn’t essential to a successful divorce mediation, but it doesn’t hurt. Partners may have a number of reasons for remaining on good terms, and those reasons always help to advance the divorce mediation process. In divorces where one or both partners feel strong anger and hostility, counseling might be appropriate, but a mediated divorce may not be the best option.

4. When Both Partners Understand the Financial Situation

Financial issues are central in almost every divorce. To obtain the fairest and best possible financial agreement, a full understanding of the financial realities by both spouses is a must. Mediation can help divorcing spouses with a better understanding of the marriage’s financial situation and the future prospects for each partner. On the other hand, the more spouses understand before a divorce procedure begins, the fewer surprises they’ll confront. If one spouse has generally handled all of the finances, the other spouse may feel disadvantaged.

5. When Both Spouses Have Been Honest with Each Other

If one spouse has lied about something important in a marriage, the other spouse may need to have a divorce lawyer conduct legal discovery of the facts and the complete financial situation before starting the mediation process and working to negotiate an agreement. When trust is lacking, one or both spouses should probably work with a divorce lawyer and/or a financial adviser to find settlement options that don’t rely on the other spouse to provide truthful information.

6. When Spouses Don’t Blame One Another

If both divorcing spouses are willing to admit that they both share some blame and some responsibility for a marriage’s failure, mediation will probably work for them. But if one partner feels that the other is entirely at fault for all of the marriage’s problems, it may be difficult for that partner to enter into any agreement that the other spouse might find acceptable. If one partner makes demands regarding marital property, alimony, or child custody and the other partner resists those demands, an experienced divorce lawyer should be consulted about a contested divorce.

7. When the Spouses Are Not Easily Intimidated by One Another

In a mediated divorce, spouses speak for themselves and end up negotiating their own agreement. The mediator’s primary work is the facilitation of the process. If one spouse is easily intimidated by the other, speaking up may be difficult. The mediator will help both spouses speak up for themselves, but a spouse who has little self-confidence or feels totally inadequate may need to hire an aggressive divorce attorney and pursue a more traditional divorce process.

8. When Both Spouses Can Disagree Without Acrimony

Mediation usually works well for individuals who can stand up for themselves in a conflict with without losing control. This doesn’t mean that mediation is only for people who are perfect. In fact, helping divorcing partners express themselves is one of a divorce mediator’s task. But if one or both spouses cannot help having strong emotional reactions, mediation may not be the right option.

Dr. Nikki Martinez is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor whose advice has been featured in the Huffington Post. Dr. Martinez says, “I do a great deal of couples work. Divorce mediation works for a specific type of couple. A couple that is uncontested, amicable, and that is divorcing because they have simply grown apart, is ideal for this. Their goal is to end the relationship with calmness and dignity, and treat the end with the same respect they treated the start. This is a difficult fit for people who are not in agreement, are contentious, and do not agree on most matters. If they struggle with the art of compromise, mediation is going to be very hard for them.”

9. When Violence, Alcoholism, and Drug Abuse Are Not Issues

In Southern California, many divorce mediators simply will not work with couples with a record of physical abuse, because it’s essentially impossible for an abuse victim to negotiate on equal terms with an abuser. Alcoholism and drug addiction impair anyone’s ability to think clearly and to make reasonable decisions. Behavior problems linked to alcoholism and drug addiction can lead to irrational behavior that entirely derails a divorce mediation.

10. When Each Partner Believes the Other Is a Good Parent

Mediation may be the best way for parents to negotiate agreements about children. Certified Divorce Coach Rosalind Sedacca says, “As a Divorce and Parenting Coach and Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, I highly recommend mediation as the first and best option for parents facing divorce. It’s more family-friendly, gives greater consideration to the needs of the children and results in more positive opportunities for effective co-parenting following the divorce.

“Mediation,” she says, “will work for any couple who make their children’s wellbeing a high priority and sincerely understand the value of remaining a ‘family’ even after divorce. Litigation is much more likely to end in high parental conflict, resentment. and lack of cooperation, the antithesis of the desired outcome for co-parenting success.”

In mediation, the decisions regarding children belong to the parents alone, so nothing needs to be ordered or imposed by outsiders. When spouses can agree on parenting strategies and the amount of time a child spends with each parent, they should probably pursue the mediation process. However, if there’s a lack of trust, or if the spouses strongly disagree over matters related to their child or children, it may be better to work through the courts.

A Final Word Regarding Mediation

Dr. Deb Castaldo is the author of Relationship Reboot: Tech Support for Love, and she’s a Ph.D. couples and marriage therapist who’s been featured as a divorce expert on many television programs and in several magazines including CNN American Law Journal TV, ABC News, Ladies’ Home Journal, Woman’s Day, and many more. She encourages divorcing couples to choose mediation and says, “Although divorce is very complex and often replicates the same problematic dynamics that occurred in the‎ marriage, it is possible for couples to succeed at a peaceful, nonconflictual mediated divorce. Often therapy can be extremely helpful in providing couples with new communication skills to help them move through the divorce process.”

“Will divorce mediation work for you? In the end,” Dr. Castaldo says, “it requires the same communication skills for successful, peaceful mediation as it does for a successful marriage. Those skills involve maintaining respect and civility, while minimizing self-serving, lashing out, and vindictive behavior. I always ask couples in marriage therapy what they will GIVE to each other, and what they will GIVE UP to make the relationship work. Since those skills are necessary for all relationships, divorce mediation can be an opportunity for personal growth and an investment in making sure you don’t end up divorced a second or third time.”

Divorce mediation gives divorcing spouses a fair and sensible way to resolve the important issues in a divorce. If a divorcing spouse becomes uncomfortable with the divorce mediation process, that spouse remains free to examine other options. Divorce is never pleasant, but it does not have to be a battle. In southern California, an experienced Long Beach divorce attorney may be able to help divorcing spouses determine if mediation the right option for their own divorce.

As divorce attorneys in California, we know that some people know when a spouse is going to file for divorce, but for many other people, being served with divorce papers is abrupt, unexpected, and quite a surprise. The spouse on the receiving end may have no idea why the partner has filed for a divorce and may, in fact, be offered no explanation. Receiving dissolution papers can open the door to some very powerful emotions.

Divorce is difficult enough without adding needlessly to the difficulty. No matter how strongly someone feels wronged, a person who has received dissolution papers must not do anything that could be perceived as negative or detrimental during a California divorce proceeding. In fact, here is a list of seven things that a person should not do after being served with dissolution papers in the state of California.

1. Do not confront a spouse or do anything that could be construed as domestic violence.

Any kind of confrontational attitude, unwelcome contact, raising of voices, and certainly any kind of physical assault will be considered domestic violence. When emotions run high, a spouse might end up under arrest and targeted for criminal prosecution or become the subject of a restraining order. Both of those alternatives will compromise a parent’s ability to win custody or child support or any spouse’s ability to win spousal support when the dissolution becomes final. A divorcing spouse must resist any impulse to be mean, rude, or otherwise inappropriate.

2. Do not start moving or trying to hide assets.

Except for the resources someone needs to retain the services of an experienced California divorce attorney, all assets should be left where they are when the other spouse files for dissolution . If either spouse tries to empty the bank accounts and hide the money, it will not work. Every California dissolution petition includes automatic temporary restraining orders (“ATROS”) which stop the parties in a divorce from transferring and encumbering assets. The ATROS also prevents either spouse divorcing in California from cutting off the other spouse from health insurance or other ongoing insurance coverage until the dissolution is finalized.

3. Do not move away with your child or children.

Obviously, when children are involved, a divorce is more complicated. If a child has been a resident of California, the courts in this state retain jurisdiction over the child even if a parent flees the state with the child after receiving dissolution papers. When a parent flees in that circumstance, the other parent can request an order from the court to have the child returned to California and can probably at that time obtain sole custody. The parent who flees puts his or her future parental rights in genuine jeopardy.

4. Don’t use a child as a go-between.

Divorce is always tough on kids, and some children even blame themselves for a divorce. Parents should take the responsibility not to make divorce even tougher. Younger children especially should be directly involved as little as possible in a divorce. Parents should not use children as messengers or as go-betweens to send messages or to spy on the other parent. Parents should also avoid disparaging remarks about the other parent in front of the child or children. It simply is not helpful.

5. Do not “troll” a spouse or ex-spouse on social media.

When spouses no longer communicate, one spouse may become curious about the details of the other’s new life. That kind of curiosity should probably be avoided. Stalking or trolling a spouse or an ex-spouse on Facebook or anywhere else online is a very bad idea. During the divorce proceeding, anything in writing will be seen be seen by opposing attorneys and the judge. Hacking someone’s computer or email is a crime, and any trolling or hacking could be construed as stalking under California’s domestic violence laws. Accepting the dissolution and moving ahead positively is a much wiser choice.

6. Do not do anything foolish – like quitting your job.

Quitting a job will not get someone out of an obligation to make child support or spousal support payments. If a spouse quits working to avoid those responsibilities, a sharp California divorce attorney can ask the court to “impute” income on that person or can ask the court to compel a vocational evaluation to determine the spouse’s earning capacity. At any rate, the moment an ex-spouse returns to work, the other ex-spouse can have the child and spousal support orders modified to reflect the new income.

7. Do not fail to retain experienced legal counsel at once.

When you divorce in California, you need a lawyer who’s handled plenty of similar divorces in the past. There are a number of good reasons why anyone divorcing in this state must have a skilled divorce attorney. An experienced divorce lawyer knows all of the pertinent laws and legal procedures, so he or she is able to explain all of a spouse’s legal rights and options. The person who attempts to act as his or her own divorce lawyer could delay or severely prejudice his or her own case. Even a simple mistake in the paperwork could be costly.

Furthermore, anyone who has been served with divorce papers and thinks that he or she cannot afford legal counsel should think again. The truth is, divorcing spouses can’t afford to be without legal counsel. It is only after a divorce is final that many ex-spouses understand that they needlessly gave up their rights – and their property and assets – because they tried to divorce on the cheap. A failure to retain skilled divorce attorneys inevitably costs a divorcing spouse more in the long run.

For a large number of people, a divorce is almost unbearably painful. Others are stirred to anger, to acrimony, and sometimes even to violence. When someone is served with divorce papers in the state of California, it is absolutely imperative to avoid making any of the seven mistakes listed here. The failure to avoid these mistakes can put someone at a genuine disadvantage in divorce proceedings. Instead, someone who receives divorce papers must ignore negative emotions and do what it takes to be treated fairly and to obtain justice in a California divorce.

Divorce lawyers in Cerritos understand that a divorce is almost always an emotionally exhausting process, but is there a way to make it less painful and less emotionally exhausting? Katherine Woodward Thomas says there is. She is the author of the non-fiction bestseller Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After. The book was cited in news stories last year when actress Gwyneth Paltrow announced that she and her husband, rock musician Chris Martin, were “consciously uncoupling.” It sounds overly New-Age and “holistic” but what exactly is Conscious Uncoupling, and why should couples, married or unmarried, want to learn about it?

Conscious Uncoupling is “a new way of ending a union,” according to the bestselling author. “To see people be warm, respectful and inclusive, to go out of their way to create a sense of family – that’s important.” Ms. Thomas explained to The Telegraph that she comes from a background where respect and inclusivity did not happen. When she was born in 1957 in Niagara Falls, “No-fault divorce didn’t exist. If you were going to get divorced, you had to attack your spouse. That’s what got my parents off on the wrong footing.”

The book has been well-received by most readers and critics as a warm, knowing, and insightful guide to ending a marriage or any serious romantic relationship with maturity and respect that enriches rather than damages the parties involved. The book is a printed, self-help version of the Conscious Uncoupling process and course that Ms. Thomas has developed and successfully taught to thousands around the world since 2009.

HOW CAN “CONSCIOUS UNCOUPLING” BE DESCRIBED?

Ms. Thomas describes Conscious Uncoupling as “a proven process for lovingly completing a relationship that will leave you feeling whole and healed and at peace.” If you’re not a book reader, you can complete the five-week online Conscious Uncoupling course, which is marketed as a way to “heal your heart, rediscover your joy and transform your life, how to turn breakup grief into personal breakthrough.”

Ms. Thomas says that while Hollywood, television, and most of our experiences and friends teach us that separations are supposed to be painful and destructive experiences. She instead claims that breakups should be perceived as a challenge and as an opportunity to turn the emotional pain into “a catalyst for making a breakthrough in the way you show up in your life … and in your next relationship.”

HOW DID “CONSCIOUS UNCOUPLING” EMERGE?

The concept of Conscious Uncoupling emerged for Ms. Thomas as her own marriage of ten years was breaking apart. She met Mark, a news director and broadcaster – who was divorced, with a daughter – in 1992. She knew he was interested, but they didn’t get together for more than six years. When her marriage to Mark began to deteriorate after a decade, “It was overwhelming, very humbling. I had embraced a philosophy that my life was about becoming a more mature, more loving person. So the decision to get ‘un-married’ had to be brought back to that: how do I get un-married in a loving way?”

What’s persuasive about the book is that Katherine Woodward Thomas is no ivory-tower academic theorist. Without denying the rage that is, at its core, a primal response to rejection, Ms. Thomas was dedicated to acting generously, warmly, and maturely after her divorce. While she and Mark were settling their finances, for example, he became unemployed. She agreed that he could contribute less until he found employment, and she worked extra hours herself to make up the difference.

Katherine Woodward Thomas loves to help couples who seek her advice about ending their relationships instead actually stay together. She’s a huge fan of romance and marriage. But equally, she says, the idea and ideal of lifelong monogamy is hopelessly out-of-date. She’s researched the myth of living “happy-ever-after,” and she argues that it developed hundreds of years ago and “had a lot to do with the life conditions of the time – many people died before the age of 40.”

HOW IS “CONSCIOUS UNCOUPLING” PURSUED? WHAT’S THE GOAL?

Conscious Uncoupling is a process that a couple can pursue together or that someone can pursue as an individual. The goal of the process, Ms. Thomas says, is not to achieve some “spiritual superiority” over those who are stuck in acrimony or in litigation. Instead, the goal is simply to conduct one’s self with decency and dignity, to find freedom, to “process” the pain, and to recover your sense of self-worth and your individual autonomy.

No matter how the other person behaves, Conscious Uncoupling teaches that dignity is always the right option. “Nobody else,” Ms. Thomas assures, “has the power, ever, to determine who we are going to be. That means not playing the victim.” But Conscious Uncoupling is also like sailing, “you set a target and you’re a little to the left, a little to the right, you’re always bringing it back. I don’t know anyone who’s done it perfectly.”

Conscious Uncoupling reaches for noble ideals, and it requires humility, but that doesn’t mean letting yourself be used, disrespected, or exploited. Ms. Thomas says, “Divorce is a legal process, it’s important to have [someone] who can explain your rights, who has an ethic, who aspires to a more peaceful, solution-orientated divorce as opposed to an attorney who is primed for war.”

WHAT HELP IS AVAILABLE IN CALIFORNIA?

If someone is serious about pursuing Conscious Uncoupling during a divorce procedure, California is perhaps the best place to do it. An experienced San Jose or Long Beach divorce lawyer, for example, will be familiar with a number of options in California that allow couples to divorce amicably, including mediation, arbitration and “collaborative” divorce. There’s no shortage of public and private agencies, counselors, advisors, therapists, divorce coaches, and other professionals offering help to those who are seeking to obtain a divorce in California.

Divorce is never pleasant, but it does not have to be a battle. Whether it’s Conscious Uncoupling or some other process or method, when people are divorcing, it’s almost imperative for them to have some process or discipline that provides emotional strength. Whether it’s yoga, meditation, prayer, Conscious Uncoupling, or some other method, people must get the full help they need – and not just legal help from a Sacramento or Long Beach divorce attorney. For some who are choosing divorce, Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After by Katherine Woodward Thomas might be just the help they need.

With April 15 rapidly approaching, our Cerritos spousal support lawyers know that if you are anticipating or considering a divorce this winter or spring, you are probably wondering whether you should file your taxes first or file for divorce first. You may not have considered that in a divorce, your ex-spouse may not be the only party trying to take a big bite out of your assets. Ex-spouses can sometimes be intimidating, but the Internal Revenue Service can be an even bigger threat to your assets and resources. Whenever there’s a transfer of even a modest amount of money, investments, or property, your taxes will be affected, and the IRS will be interested. That’s why it’s imperative to seek the legal advice and services of an experienced divorce attorney who fully understands the financial issues that can emerge in a divorce. Depending on your personal circumstances, divorce can have a moderate-to-huge impact on your federal tax burden, and knowing precisely what’s at stake can help you avoid big tax troubles. An experienced divorce lawyer can give you the advice that’s applicable to your own tax situation. In southern California, speak with an experienced Long Beach divorce attorney.

If you are filing your taxes on or before April 15, the first thing that’s important to know is that the IRS only cares about your marital status as of the end of 2015. Thus, the question of whether to file for divorce first or file your taxes first is really up to you – the IRS only cares about last year’s marital status. If your divorce was final on or before December 31, 2015, the IRS “considers” that you were divorced for the entire year. One exception, however, allows some separated parents to claim a “favorable head of household” status, which can facilitate additional deductions. To qualify, you must have paid more than half of your housing costs for 2015 and you must have lived separately from your spouse through the final six months of 2015. Additionally, your dependent child must have lived in your home for more than half of the year.

FILING AND EXEMPTIONS

After a divorce, your ability to claim exemptions for your children can mean a substantial tax federal tax difference. If you and your ex-spouse can agree, you can sign a document specifying which one of you gets the exemption for the children. That decision can determine who will get more than $1,000 in tax savings. Child support is not deductible for the parent who pays, and it is not counted as income for the parent who receives it.

If you are already involved in a pending divorce proceeding, you may file a joint return only if you were still legally married at the end of the tax year (December 31, 2015), and if both of you agree to the joint filing. The box that you check on your return form in this situation is the “married filing jointly” box. Even if you are informally or legally separated, you are considered married by the IRS so long as there was no final court judgment ending your marriage in the year 2015. A temporary order relating to child support, alimony, or child custody does not affect your marital status. However, if the divorce was finalized on or before December 31, you cannot file jointly. Your filing status will either be “single” or “head of household.”

TALK IT OVER

Discuss with both your tax advisor and your divorce attorney the advantages and disadvantages of filing a joint tax return. Typically, although not in every case, your tax burden will be reduced if you file a joint tax return, contingent of course upon on your respective incomes, credits, and deductions. The primary downside to filing your tax return jointly is that both spouses are jointly liable for the taxes on the return as well as any tax deficiencies, interest, and penalties. You can protect yourself from this to some extent with a tax indemnification agreement. If you are choosing to file taxes jointly, and one spouse will be responsible for preparing the tax returns, you should consider entering into an indemnification agreement. A tax indemnification agreement stipulates that one spouse will be liable for any amounts due on previously filed joint returns, and it protects the spouse who didn’t prepare the return.

You should make certain that your divorce agreement, settlement, or judgment, or another document addresses how you and your ex will handle any federal tax liability or refunds. If you are expecting the IRS to send a refund check, be certain sure that the check will be paid to both of you jointly or that you obtain an agreement in writing that the recipient will pay the other spouse whatever share that spouse is entitled to. If the refund is a direct deposit, make certain that it sent to a joint account – or again, have an agreement in writing.

FILING AS “HEAD OF HOUSEHOLD”

If you have concerns about allowing your spouse to prepare accurate tax returns, you’re better off having the tax returns prepared professionally or just filing separately. Courts will not order a spouse to file a joint tax return against his or her will. If your divorce was not final on or before December 31, 2015, you should file as either “married filing separately” or as “head of household” depending on your situation. When you file as “head of household,” it lets you claim the standard deduction and credits such as the earned income credit and the dependent care credit. “Head of household” may also allow you to be taxed at a lower rate. To file as head of household, these are the criteria:

• Your spouse did not reside with you during the final six months of 2015.
• You paid more than fifty percent of your household’s costs in 2015, including rent or mortgage payments, homeowners’ insurance, utilities, and groceries.
• Your home was the primary residence of your child, stepchild, or eligible foster child for more than half of 2015, and you could claim a dependent exemption.

If you file as “head of household” and your divorce was not final on or before December 31, 2015, your spouse then must file as “married filing separately.” After you are divorced you may continue to file as “head of household” if you pay more than fifty percent of your home’s expenses for the tax year and if your child or children reside with you for more than half of the year.

TAXES AND SUPPORT PAYMENTS

When you’re negotiating or fighting in court about spousal support, you cannot afford to overlook tax issues. Spousal support payments are deductible for the party who pays and counted as income for the party who receives the support payments. If you are the spousal support recipient, you’ll want to plan for that income’s federal tax impact. Your ex is not an employer, so nothing is withheld when you receive a spousal support payment. Paying an estimated tax to the IRS each quarter helps many people avoid taking a tough tax hit all at once at the year’s end. If you are employed, you might consider increasing the amount withheld from your paycheck to help you offset the tax impact of receiving spousal support.

Child support payments and property distributions are not deductible, but if you are an ex-spouse making spousal support payments, those payments are deductible on your federal tax return. The IRS looks closely at spousal support paid in the first three years after a divorce. to make sure that you didn’t shift nondeductible payments – property distribution or other responsibilities such as attorneys’ fees – into spousal support to make them appear as deductible support.

THE LEGAL HELP YOU NEED IS HERE

If your spousal support agreement or settlement involves paying higher amounts in the first years after a divorce and lower payments subsequently, the IRS will also look closely to see if the first payments are “disguised” property division payments or other nonsupport payments. In your spousal support agreement, it’s imperative that you do not link the cessation of support payments to your children – for example, when they leave for college or move out and get a job. The IRS might suspect that the payments are child support, which is not deductible, disguised as spousal support, which is. Frankly, anyone paying spousal support should not be surprised if the IRS wants to ask you some questions. If you make payments to a third party – such as the state – rather than paying your ex directly, the IRS treats those payments the same way as payments made directly. A good divorce attorney can make certain that your divorce-related finances are in order and can help you deal with the IRS if they question you regarding spousal support.

Divorce is never fun. Even when there is really nothing to dispute, divorce can be painful and difficult. Don’t let the tax issues associated with a divorce make it worse for you. Contact an experienced divorce lawyer who understands and who is willing and able to discuss the impact of your divorce on your taxes. In southern California, put your divorce in the hands of an experienced Long Beach divorce attorney, and if you are considering or anticipating a divorce, make the call promptly.

When the popular actress Gwyneth Paltrow divorced in 2015, ABC News said it was the latest example of an out-of-control divorce rate that is “fifty percent and climbing.” A Fox News anchor recently blamed poverty in the United States on the divorce rate “going up.” And when Bravo introduced its divorce reality show Untying the Knot in 2015, the network called divorce “a situation that fifty percent of married couples unfortunately end up in.” More than half of all marriages end in divorce, and the divorce rate is on the rise. That’s the conventional wisdom and the general consensus, but is it the truth?

Not at all, according to recent statistics including a survey sent out by the Census Bureau to 3.5 million addresses in the U.S. every year. Divorce has declined about three percent since 2008, and the long-term trend is downward. The divorce rate for first-time marriages is currently 41 percent and dropping. Still, if you are considering or anticipating a divorce, you need to seek out a good divorce lawyer at the very beginning of the process, and in southern California, you should speak with an experienced Los Angeles divorce attorney.

WHY THE DECLINE?

Why is the divorce rate plunging now in the United States? Observers and pundits have offered a number of reasons, and probably all of those reasons play some part in the ongoing reduction of the U.S. divorce rate. Certainly one reason the official divorce rate is declining is because more couples are choosing to live in cohabitation arrangements, and when those arrangements dissolve, the breakups don’t count as divorces. In other words, fewer marriages mean fewer divorces overall and a declining divorce rate. “It’s becoming more acceptable to be in a long-term, committed relationship without a legal document,” says Pamela J. Smock, director and research professor at the Population Studies Center at the University of Michigan-Ann Arbor.

According to the Population Studies Center’s research, between 1995 and 2010, first-time cohabitation jumped by 43 percent for white women, 57 percent for Hispanic women, and 39 percent for African-American women. Marriage is seen as more “optional” for young adults in the 21st century, whereas in the 1960’s, almost ninety percent of the U.S, population married in their twenties. It was virtually universal marriage, and about half of those couples eventually divorced in the divorce “boom” of the 1970s and 1980s. Today, fewer people are marrying, they’re marrying later, and they seem to be taking their marriage commitments more seriously. With more women empowered, earning, and independent, the choice to marry is more and more becoming a truly free and fully voluntary choice. Despite some loudly-articulated fears about the decline of the traditional institution of marriage, marriages in the United States are in fact stronger today than they have been in a number of decades. The divorce rate peaked in the 1970s and early 1980s, and it’s been declining since that time.

About 70 percent of the marriages that began in the 1990s reached their fifteenth anniversary (excluding those in which a spouse passed away), up from about 65 percent of those that began in the 1970s and 1980s. Those who have married in the 2000s are so far divorcing at even lower rates. If current divorce rate trends continue, nearly two-thirds of today’s marriages will not end in divorce, according to data from University of Michigan economist Justin Wolfers.

A NUMBER OF FACTORS

Birth control, which first became widely available in the 1960s, and abortion, which became legal in every state in the nation in 1973, are also among the reasons why divorce is declining. Birth control and legal abortion have virtually eliminated the coerced or “shotgun” marriages that were actually rather frequent prior to the 1960s. Cohabitation, birth control, abortion, and the rising age of those entering first marriages are all functioning to reduce the divorce rate in the United States. These same forces are helping to reduce the divorce rate in parts of Europe, too.

Education also seems to be playing a role in lower divorce rates. According to Justin Wolfers at the University of Michigan, the ongoing decline in divorce is most pronounced among couples with college educations. Of the college graduates who married in the early 2000s, only about eleven percent divorced before their seventh anniversary, but for people without college degrees, seventeen percent were divorced before the seventh anniversary, according to Mr. Wolfers’ research.

THE NEW MARRIAGE MODEL

Andrew Cherlin, a sociologist and the author of Labor’s Love Lost: The Rise and Fall of the Working-Class Family in America, takes another approach. He believes that a new “model” of marriage is being developed by college graduates in Europe and the United States, and that working-class couples without college degrees may be lagging behind. “Better-educated Americans have found a new marriage model in which both spouses work and they build a strong economic foundation for their marriage,” says Cherlin. Working-class families, on the other hand, may hold more traditional notions about male breadwinners, yet economic changes – such as outsourcing and the transformation from an “industrial” economy to an “information and service” economy – have left many of the men in these working-class families struggling to find sufficient, stable, long-term employment. As a result, working-class couples are now divorcing at higher rates than college-educated couples, and that’s a situation that may not change until the newer “model” of marriage is more widely accepted.

In the 1960s and earlier, the marriage “model” was a breadwinning male and a homemaking female who both needed the other’s contribution to the household. That changed in the 1970s. For the first time, women entered the work force by the millions, and they simultaneously gained reproductive rights. The long historical perspective may eventually show us that the skyrocketing divorce rates of the 1970s and 1980s represented an irregularity. The divorce spike occurred at the same time as a new feminist movement and the emergence of reproductive freedom. Today, society has generally adapted to those changes, and the divorce rate is once again where it should be – on the decline. Marriage has now evolved into a new, 21st-century model based on love, two incomes, and shared interests as well as shared household duties.

Those who are waiting longer to get married are a big part of the picture. Prior to marriage, people are taking more time to mature, to build financial stability, to understand what they want in a partner, and to find one. The median age for marriage in 1890 was 26 for men and 22 for women. By the 1950s, that age had plummeted to 23 for men and 20 for women. In 2004, the average marriage age had climbed back to 27 for men and 26 for women.

GROWING CONCERNS

While no one disputes that a lower divorce rate is good news, there are a number of growing legal concerns regarding the millions of couples who now live in cohabitation arrangements. In fact, one group of family law attorneys in the United Kingdom is advocating formal, legal safeguards for cohabiting partners in that nation. To receive legal protection when a cohabitation relationship ends in the United States, you need to have some kind of a contract – written, oral, explicit, or implicit – that you can offer to a court if you need to receive “palimony” when your cohabitation arrangement ends. “Palimony” is not a legal term, but the concept is comparable to alimony in California and a number of other states. Palimony is the division and distribution of financial assets and real property upon the dissolution of a cohabitation relationship between parties who are not legally married. In some cases and in some states, it may not be possible to win a palimony settlement or payments, but many have succeeded with the help of an experienced divorce lawyer.

The first step toward winning palimony is usually mediation. If the ex-partners in a cohabitation arrangement can resolve their dispute with the help of a mediator – and avoid lawsuits and courtrooms – they can save time, resources, and probably a great deal of aggravation and grief. If mediation fails to resolve the dispute, depending on the state you reside in and the specifics of the case, an experienced divorce lawyer may be able to take a palimony claim to trial. In the 1976 Marvin v. Marvin case, the California Supreme Court ruled that non-marital relationship contracts may be legally enforced. Such contracts may be expressed, implied, oral, or written, but they must be provable in court. If you need palimony – or if you expect to be part of a palimony dispute – you must retain an attorney who routinely handles palimony and divorce cases.

To protect themselves, cohabiting partners should consider drawing up a contract similar to a prenuptial or postnuptial agreement. You can draft an agreement that spells out each partner’s protections, rights, and obligations in the event of a breakup. An experienced divorce lawyer can help most couples in most states create the agreement that’s right for their particular circumstances. If you have questions or concerns regarding divorce, cohabitation, or any matter of family law, or if you need legal representation in a divorce or a post-cohabitation dispute, speak at once with a good divorce lawyer, and in southern California, with an experienced Los Angeles divorce attorney.

When a couple is having problems in the marriage, the spouses may decide on a trial separation. The trial separation is an informal agreement under which the couple will decide to live separately from each other for a while. They may decide on the duration of the trial separation in advance.

Basically, the trial separation affords a couple time and breathing space to think things over. When you aren’t living with the same person 24/7, it can give you a new perspective on your relationship that you may not have had before.

A trial separation is an informal agreement, and nothing is down in writing. This is not a legal contract. You are still officially married to each other. That means that you are not free to marry other people.

In many cases, trial separation will ultimately lead to divorce. However, in some cases, the spouses may find that divorce is not a solution to their problems, and that they would like to give their marriage another chance.

Speak To A Los Angeles Family Lawyer

If you are considering divorce, and want to know what effect the divorce will have on your finances, your family life and other aspects of your life, speak to a Los Angeles family lawyer. It’s important to make the right decisions during this critical stage in your life. Schedule a consultation with a Los Angeles family lawyer today.